When someone seeks advice, they may not always be looking for solutions, but rather a space to express emotions, according to longtime advice columnist Annalisa Barbieri. She observes that people often use conversations as an opportunity to share feelings and validate their experiences, especially when facing difficult situations like workplace challenges. “We like to share shame because it’s a hot potato of a feeling,” Barbieri explains, emphasizing that not every interaction requires a prescriptive response.

Michael Bungay Stanier, author of the bestselling book *The Coaching Habit*, addresses this phenomenon by describing what he calls the “advice monster”—the impulse to immediately offer solutions when someone begins to share a problem. In his TED Talk *How to Tame Your Advice Monster*, he cautions that this instinct to control and manage uncertainty can sometimes hinder rather than help. Bungay Stanier recommends pausing to ask whether advice is wanted before launching into it, a strategy echoed by Barbieri, who uses a gentle prompt with her children: “Do you want advice, or do you just want to vent?”

Stanier further elaborates in his book *The Advice Trap* that giving advice itself is not inherently problematic, but habitually defaulting to it or doing so prematurely can create an unhelpful dynamic. He notes that rushing to offer help might inadvertently suggest superiority, which can provoke resistance rather than receptiveness. As a remedy, he encourages individuals to conduct an "audit" of their conversational habits, noting how quickly they tend to provide advice and challenging themselves to allow discussions to unfold for longer before intervening.

Psychologist Dr. Lee Valls from the London Clinic underscores the importance of listening carefully, explaining that individuals are more likely to act on advice they believe they have discovered themselves. Valls also highlights that initial problems shared may mask deeper, more significant issues, which can emerge through thoughtful inquiry. Bungay Stanier advocates for maintaining curiosity by asking questions such as “What’s hard about this for you?” and “What have you already figured out?” to foster agency and avoid redundancy in advice-giving.

Barbieri points to a growing disconnect between people’s expectations and reality, especially in the context of social media comparisons. She suggests that when someone expresses dissatisfaction—such as feeling mistreated by a partner—a better response might center on exploring desired feelings rather than immediately proposing action. For example, asking, “Is that how you want to feel?” can help avoid adding responsibility to those already feeling burdened.

While research by Yitong Zhao of the University of Toronto examines supportive strategies in romantic and friendly relationships, the conversation around advice-giving emphasizes the value of listening, patience, and nuanced understanding in fostering meaningful and effective support.