Lisa Hanawalt’s new memoir, *I Can’t Stop Thinking About Horses and Sex*, offers an unconventional and candid exploration of the author’s intertwined experiences with intimacy, trauma, and self-identity. Known for her work as an illustrator and designer on the animated series *BoJack Horseman*, Hanawalt employs a mix of cartoons, text, and paintings to depict her personal journey through relationships and emotional struggles.
The book’s title encapsulates the two central themes that Hanawalt weaves throughout: horses and sex, both of which she portrays as sources of mental engagement and emotional complexity. Hanawalt shares stories beginning in childhood, including vivid details such as her early fears and coping mechanisms, like pretending to be a horse to feel empowered. In adulthood, she continues to find solace and challenge in caring for her pony Juniper, who embodies a demanding yet grounding presence in her life.
Hanawalt’s reflections on her sex life are marked by a mix of humor, vulnerability, and pain. She illustrates a spectrum of encounters—from disappointing to damaging—and presents a nuanced view of the difficulties she faces navigating intimacy, shame, and trauma. One particularly pointed episode unfolds when she dissociates during an encounter, leading to a flashback of childhood abuse. The memoir navigates such moments with a blend of dark comedy and raw honesty, resisting simple resolution and instead inviting readers to consider the complexities of agency and trauma.
The narrative also touches on broader sociocultural themes, including the challenges women face in pursuing sexual freedom. Hanawalt recounts her experience with polyamory in a long-term relationship, describing how societal pressures and therapeutic advice encouraged exploration of non-monogamy. Despite these external influences, the relationship ultimately ended, prompting Hanawalt to preserve fertility by freezing her eggs.
Artistically, the memoir defies traditional genre conventions. It features a variety of visual styles, including colorful animal illustrations, abstract self-portraits, and photographic elements. These artistic choices underscore the memoir’s layered storytelling approach, blending humor and gravity, fantasy and stark reality.
Throughout the book, Hanawalt presents her equine companion Juniper as both a source of joy and a metaphor for her own fragility and neediness. While Hanawalt’s introspective journey is fraught with emotional turmoil, Juniper remains steady and untroubled, symbolizing a form of resilience and simplicity in contrast to human complexity.
*I Can’t Stop Thinking About Horses and Sex* offers a vivid, idiosyncratic account of one woman’s efforts to make sense of her desires, fears, and the often contradictory impulses that shape her life. Through candid storytelling and striking visuals, Hanawalt provides a deeply personal reflection on mental health, sexuality, and the search for connection.