Onja Lyubomirsky, a distinguished professor of psychology at the University of California, Riverside, offers new insights into the experience of feeling loved, emphasizing that it differs significantly from simply being in love. In her recent book, “How to Feel Loved: The Five Mindsets That Get You More of What Matters Most,” co-authored with Harry Reis from the University of Rochester, Lyubomirsky explores the deeper emotional need to feel truly seen and accepted by others.

Lyubomirsky argues that common expressions of love, such as those found on Valentine’s Day cards, often miss the point. Instead of declaring “I love you,” she suggests people focus on the feeling of being loved—“I feel loved by you” or “You make me feel loved.” This distinction, she says, is crucial for emotional well-being and relationship satisfaction.

The book identifies key barriers to feeling loved, including the reluctance to express vulnerability out of fear of rejection. Lyubomirsky refers to this as the “vulnerability paradox”: although people often believe revealing their weaknesses will cause others to like them less, expressing vulnerability can actually increase connection and trust. However, she notes that emotional intelligence is necessary to gauge when and how to be vulnerable.

Central to Lyubomirsky’s approach is the idea that to feel more loved, individuals must first make others feel loved by showing genuine curiosity about their lives and inner experiences. This requires an “open-heart mindset,” characterized by warmth, kindness, and nonjudgmental listening. Instead of preparing responses or turning conversations back to oneself, Lyubomirsky advises listening as if watching a film—fully absorbing the other person’s story without interruption or evaluation.

She uses a “sea-saw” metaphor to describe the process of mutual sharing in relationships: when one person expresses curiosity and acceptance, it encourages the other to reveal more of themselves, lifting both partners into deeper understanding. This dynamic relies on reciprocal openness and the willingness to recognize the complexity of human nature—acknowledging that each person is a mixture of strengths and flaws.

Lyubomirsky cautions against oversharing too quickly, advocating for small, manageable disclosures as a way to establish safety and build trust progressively. She also highlights the importance of adopting a “multiplicity mindset,” derived from trauma research, which encourages seeing oneself and others as multifaceted beings rather than defined by singular traits or past experiences.

While the book offers practical strategies for enhancing emotional intimacy, early readers have reported that it can also serve as a diagnostic tool, revealing areas where relationships may lack mutual sharing, attentive listening, or compassion. Lyubomirsky hopes these insights will prompt dialogue and improvement rather than separation, though some readers have chosen to end relationships after reflecting on these concepts.

By focusing on vulnerability, curiosity, and acceptance, Lyubomirsky and Reis provide a framework for cultivating deeper bonds and fostering the essential human need to feel truly loved.