Kristie De Garis has developed an unconventional household arrangement in which she lives with her two ex-husbands and their children, navigating the complexities of modern family life through a collaborative but challenging dynamic. Over the past two years, she has chosen to stop cooking for the family—a role she had primarily managed for more than a decade—in an effort to rebalance responsibilities and challenge longstanding domestic patterns.
De Garis first married at age 22, having her daughter within that union before they separated. She remarried a few years later, had another child, and separated again shortly before the COVID-19 pandemic. Despite these separations, the two men and De Garis continued to co-parent under the same roof. When her first ex-husband needed a place to stay temporarily, he moved in, forming a shared living situation focused on practicality rather than romantic involvement.
Despite the seemingly progressive nature of this arrangement, De Garis found that cooking duties—and much of the associated mental load—still fell predominantly to her. While both men contributed to other household chores such as taking out the trash, questions about snacks and dinners regularly came from the children and the men alike. After years of managing meal planning, shopping, and preparation, De Garis described the task as emotionally draining and all-consuming.
Two years ago, she decided to initiate a “strike” on dinner preparation, ceasing to cook and instead requiring the men to take on those responsibilities. Initial attempts by her ex-husbands to prepare meals were met with various challenges, including undercooked food and confusion over culinary techniques. This transition period involved trial and error, with some meals requiring repeated attempts and even the purchase of new cooking tools and recipe guides.
Over time, the men reportedly gained confidence and competence in the kitchen. They began contributing recipe suggestions and preparing meals like roast chicken and stir-fries with increasing success. De Garis has noted that this shift has helped redistribute the mental load within the household, which research indicates disproportionately affects mothers. While she remains the central organizer of the family’s affairs, relinquishing control over cooking has freed significant time and mental space for her.
Both ex-husbands have expressed a sense of accomplishment and engagement with their expanded roles, which also serves as a model for their daughters regarding more equitable household responsibilities. De Garis describes this outcome as positive for the entire family, contributing to healthier gender role models.
Despite occasional setbacks, including meals requiring disposal and fallback on takeout, De Garis remains firm in her decision. She emphasizes that traditional requests to communicate and delegate responsibilities often failed to bring change, leading her to maintain her stance. Reflecting on her experience, she notes that after 15 years of consistently cooking for the family, she has now passed the baton, with at least another 13 years for her ex-husbands to develop their skills.