Modern dating often involves a cycle of inconsistent communication, frustration, and burnout, but some experts suggest that changing one’s mindset can improve the experience. Serena Kerrigan, author of the new book *Let’s F*cking Date*, shares her personal journey and approach to navigating the contemporary dating landscape.

Kerrigan, 32, recounts growing up without a stable relationship model after her parents divorced when she was two. As she entered her late twenties, she frequently encountered rejection from partners who were emotionally unavailable or indifferent, contributing to feelings of insecurity and disappointment. “My twenties were the years of rejection,” she said, reflecting on her struggles with finding meaningful connections.

Many people attribute dating difficulties to external factors such as location or the quality of potential partners, often expressing frustration with statements like “all men are trash.” Kerrigan argues that while it is easy to blame the dating pool or environment, true agency lies in one’s attitude toward dating. “You can’t control the dating pool – all you can control is your attitude,” she explained. Changing one’s internal dialogue, she believes, can influence outcomes positively.

Faced with growing disillusionment around age 28, Kerrigan sought professional therapy. Through this process, she identified underlying feelings of unworthiness and a tendency to pursue emotionally unavailable partners as defense mechanisms against being truly vulnerable. Therapy helped her recognize and alter these patterns, leading to healthier dating choices and ultimately to a long-term partnership she has maintained for more than three years.

Drawing from her experiences, Kerrigan’s book aims to support others in overcoming dating challenges by fostering a “winning mentality.” She suggests language plays a crucial role, encouraging individuals to shift from definitive negative statements like “I am alone” to expressions acknowledging present emotions, such as “I feel disheartened.” This subtle reframing, she argues, fosters self-awareness and resilience, making it easier to navigate the ups and downs of dating.

Kerrigan’s perspective underscores the ongoing emotional work required in modern relationships and emphasizes the importance of self-reflection and mental health support in developing fulfilling connections.