Friendships often involve navigating moments of messiness and conflict, but distinguishing between typical ups and downs and genuinely harmful dynamics can be challenging. Clinical psychotherapist Julie Sweet emphasizes the importance of recognizing this difference when evaluating relationships perceived as difficult or draining.

According to Sweet, everyone can exhibit less-than-ideal behavior at times, especially during stressful periods. Occasional neediness, reactivity, or distraction does not inherently indicate a toxic friendship. What matters more is the pattern of interactions and how conflicts are managed. In healthy relationships, individuals should feel safe expressing when something has hurt them or when they need a change, without fear of ridicule or manipulation.

Sweet also cautions against overuse of the term "toxic," which has become a catch-all label for disliked behaviors. Instead of labeling a friend as toxic, she suggests assessing how the relationship consistently makes one feel and what occurs when boundaries are asserted. Friendship is often fluid and may require different levels of support during life's challenges such as divorce, illness, or bereavement. Periods of imbalance do not automatically render the relationship unhealthy if they remain temporary rather than defining features.

Signs that a friendship may have shifted into an unhealthy space include repeatedly feeling unheard, bearing the emotional labor without reciprocation, having boundaries ignored, or experiencing anxiety and guilt around interactions. Reflecting on whether time spent together generally fosters connection or leaves one emotionally depleted can provide further insight. Sweet notes that while equality in friendships is not always possible, there should be a general sense of reciprocity over time.

Ending or distancing oneself from a complicated friendship can be difficult and does not always require a dramatic confrontation. Sometimes naturally evolving relationships simply require setting new boundaries, seeing each other less frequently, or adjusting expectations. Such changes can be healthy and constructive.

Ultimately, Sweet highlights that healthy friendships can include disagreements, imperfections, and occasional chaos, but the foundation rests on goodwill and positive intention. In these relationships, individuals feel safe to be imperfect, trusting that the friend is genuinely on their side. This underlying trust may be the clearest marker between messy but viable friendships and those that may need reconsideration.