Many conflicts in personal relationships, even those sparked by seemingly minor issues like household chores, often stem from deeper emotional wounds, according to psychologist Kim Polinder. She explains that fights typically emerge from “core wounds”—persistent emotional injuries formed through early experiences of rejection, neglect, or trauma—that resurface repeatedly in adult interactions. These past traumas cause individuals to adopt defensive emotional roles, obscuring their true selves and intensifying misunderstandings.
Polinder, who was abandoned as an infant in rural South Korea and later adopted by an American family, draws on her personal history and professional background to explore the mechanics of conflict. After a career in technology as an IT engineer at a Fortune 500 company, she transitioned into relationship coaching and therapy. Her engineering experience informs her approach to emotional healing, particularly her use of logical, system-based methods similar to those employed in troubleshooting technical failures. She describes conflict as a “severity 1 system failure” and advocates for breaking down emotional breakdowns into manageable, stepwise processes.
She emphasizes that common disputes, such as arguments over chores, are rarely about the surface issue itself. Instead, they trigger ingrained feelings of vulnerability linked to unresolved past experiences. Polinder explains, “We’re reacting to every moment in our past where we were being treated in the same way,” which can make small slights feel disproportionately painful and confusing to both parties.
Particularly influential in Polinder’s work is her concept of “bad maths” — unconscious calculations made during childhood that associate specific behaviors with acceptance or safety. Examples include believing one is only lovable when obedient or worthy only when excelling in certain activities. These “maths of lovability” persist into adulthood, shaping emotional responses and often breeding resentment when the underlying needs remain unmet.
She illustrates these dynamics through case studies, such as the couple Maya and Devin. Maya’s fear of emotional abandonment echoes her father’s withdrawal from her during childhood, causing her to interpret her partner’s delayed responses as rejection. Conversely, Devin’s upbringing with a controlling, critical mother makes him sensitive to perceived demands for emotional availability, fueling further conflict. These examples highlight how personal histories inform present interactions and emotional triggers.
Polinder argues that effective conflict resolution hinges less on improving communication skills alone and more on addressing the regulation of emotional responses. She proposes practical tools, such as a flowchart model based on two central questions—“Do I feel understood?” and “Find a solution”—that simplify complex emotional ruptures into actionable steps, making repair possible.
Ultimately, her work underscores how early emotional wounds heavily influence adult relationships and behaviors. By understanding and addressing these core wounds, individuals can better navigate conflicts and reduce the cycle of reactive fighting, moving toward greater empathy and connection in their relationships.